As Greg Stillson awoke one morning from frightful dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a Trump supporter.
The usual hangover headache of drowsiness and fog, his pre-coffee brain was gone, replaced now with a crystalline certainty about the world. Where previously much had been shrouded in mystery and doubt, now, he felt only a morose calmness. He knew the grand conspiracy of deep state design. He knew vaccines were evil instruments of the Devil. He knew global climate change was a hoax. And most importantly, he knew Donald Trump was sent by God to lead his chosen people. Within his newfound calm, there was a purpose to his life that had never been there before. It was invigorating. He felt he could do anything. …
Love walks into a bar and says
this is all for me, a cathedral of mistakes.
She lies on the floor and spreads her legs,
making a snow angel in the grime,
sticky beer and cigarette butts.
She invites men to pour their drinks
into her second mouth,
but they just stare,
aroused, and ashamed of their arousal.
She says, “fuck me, this is the voice of consent,
this is the voice of my power over you,”
and no one moves, someone whispers,
“this makes me uncomfortable,”
shuffles his feet, kicking a bottle.
“Aren’t you afraid of dying alone?”
she strokes a hand up her slit
and a swath of spiders issues from the hole,
scattering in all directions,
they evaporate into wisps of fog,
leaving a scent of sweet candied perfume.
The men shriek like children,
cowering against every wall,
throwing themselves over the bar
as she laughs the way wasps must laugh,
a high-pitched buzz like paper-thin wings.
And suddenly she’s gone,
like a cherry fire scraped under a boot,
leaving only a dark mark on the dingy ground.
The music picks back up, and the clinking ambiance
of alcohol dreams resumes, each sip shaking
the shock off the crash. …
“Yo, ho ho, and a bottle of rum!” If you’ve been on TikTok this week, you may have noticed a lot of folks are performing sea shanties to pass the time, and they’re going extremely viral as a result. Why? Well, because they’re freaking fun. And they’re just good for a laugh, on top of showcasing certain folks’ many vocal talents.
Right about now, you might be asking yourself, what the heck is a sea shanty? Well, I’m glad you asked. Basically, think of pirates. Think of the songs they sing while swabbing the deck, or preparing to go an a raid. Think of the lonely fishermen out in their boats past dusk, passing a bottle of whisky or rum, and singing songs to pass the time. Remember that scene in JAWS? Where the group gets drunk and sings a song together that starts, “Show me the way to go home, I’m tired and I wanna go to bed?” …
It’s a sad day for MAGA fans. Today, January 19th, 2021, marks the final 24 hour period of the Donald Trump presidency. Tomorrow, a new president will be sworn into office, and with that new presidency a four year period of utter insanity and bullshit will finally come to its end. Virtually everything about the Trump time in the White House was a train wreck. The bandwidth of the bullshit sandwich being fed to the American people was so great, the media really struggled to keep up with it.
Any way you slice it, the Trump Administration was the very embodiment of a shit show. A literal turd stuffed into a blue Armani suit and draped with a bright red tie and then paraded about across the global stage, leaving smears and stains everywhere it went. To try and sum it up now in a concise manner would be impossible. It would take an encyclopedia. And that encyclopedia could probably cover the entire surface of the moon. …
Someone please tell me, what year is it again? For some reason, while I was watching the new Netflix documentary series Night Stalker, I kept feeling like was being teleported back to the 1980s. As fun as the ’80s were for most of us, I have no real desire to revisit them. Netflix keeps reminding the world that nostalgia is a valuable commodity.
In their wildly popular new series, director Tiller Russel recounts through witness interviews, crime photos, and vividly detailed reenactments, the murder spree conducted by Richard Ramirez in Los Angeles during the summer of 1985. During that summer, Ramirez committed a string of heinous murders and assaults. He broke into homes and randomly executed people while they slept with a .22 caliber pistol. He kidnapped children and molested them and then set them free. …
Dear Lindsey Graham:
Please, shut the fuck up. The world is beginning to wonder how a man without a spine can sit up straight in his chair. Just last week, you wanted us to believe that you condemned Trump for his actions on January 6th. And, yet, today, you call upon the new Senate Majority Leader to dismiss the impeachment charges sent over by the House. Sir, your hypocrisy is showing. (Again).
It must be difficult to walk up Capitol Hill in those clown shoes. You, sir, have no business whatsoever speaking on the matter of what is poised to “tear this country apart,” after your complicity in perpetuating The Big Lie of democratic voter fraud and trying to get election results reversed for your “fearless leader,” Herr Trump. The world has not forgotten that you were one of the notable sycophants that called the Georgia Secretary of State and attempted to pressure them into altering their election results. …
Donald Trump wants you to know about his greatness. It’s all he ever talks about. Virtually every speech he has ever given has been nothing but a masturbatory self-love session, listing off all the ways he wants you to believe his Administration has accomplished more than any other in the history of America, while at the same time complaining about all the ways the American institutions have tried to hold him back.
To try and make one last stab at getting the notion to stick that he is “literally the best president since Abraham Lincoln,” Trump has gone so far as to release an official statement via the governmental White House web page, giving a more or less complete list of what he feels the accomplishments of his administration are. You may not have noticed this, unless you happen to be following Ivanka Trump on Twitter, since Trump himself no longer is allowed to have an account. …
As shocking as the events were to witness on January 6th, 2021, this of course isn’t the first time in American history that the Capitol has been stormed by angry citizens. We are coming up on the 22 year anniversary of the Great Liberal Insurrection of 1999, when supporters of Bill Clinton refused to allow their great president to be dishonored by impeachment. Americans should never forget what happened that fateful day.
For months the Monica Lewinsky scandal had completely pervaded the news cycle. Fans and lovers of Bill Clinton were simply appalled that their political hero’s private life and dirty laundry were being aired for all to see on national television. Spurred on by the punditry of great liberal thinkers such as James Carville and Chris Matthews, the liberal elites decided they must act. They could not simply stand by and watch the greatest Democrat since Franklin D. …
As more information continues to emerge about the events of January 6, 2021, when armed insurgents and mobs of MAGA hat wearing cultists stormed into the Capitol buildings with the intent of killing liberal leadership and even to “hang Mike Pence as a traitor,” it becomes more and more evident that these events were openly plotted via the conservative social media app Parler. What’s worse, is that perusal of this app shows every indication that the attack on the Capitol was merely the first in a planned series of events. …