I Kidnapped Howie Mandel
Here is a list of my demands
Well, I thought I could keep my master plan a secret for at least a few weeks, but it turns out the conspiracy theory sleuths of the online community, using clues subversively planted by my clever captive, were just too smart for me. You got me, folks. I accept defeat. This week, I kidnapped Howie Mandel.
The architecture of my dream, was simple. I would lure Howie Mandel out of his mansion by pretending to be his biggest fan, showing up on his doorstep with a hoard of memorabilia in a black plastic bag. My collection of Howie goods includes various rubber gloves bought on E-bay from reputable sellers that I was told he had actually blown up and worn on his head on various comedy tours, a Little Monsters plush doll of Maurice, and a VHS copy of Walk Like a Man. This is in addition to my extensive assemblage of flash drives containing every episode of America’s Got Talent in varying quality downloads. Obviously all celebrities are raving narcissists, so there’s no way he could resist this chance to be doted upon by clearly his number one fan on planet Earth, right?
Turns out, I was right! Wow, imagine my shock and surprise, when this plan worked to an astonishing degree of effectiveness! Here I was, standing less than two feet from Howie Mandel, notable germaphobe, during a global pandemic! He wasn’t even concerned with social distancing, despite having in the past claimed he would stop inhaling to avoid the coronavirus, he was so enthralled by my passion for fandom and obsession with his every creative whim. It was so easy to pull the gun from my waistband and claim Howie Mandel as my own personal Comedy Slave! (Don’t worry, the gun was just a toy replica! Ha!)
I was so happy to have Howie Mandel at my personal beck and call. It was thrilling. I was veritably overcome with a sensation of unlimited power. I felt like a god, like a genie freed from the confines of his lamp. The possibilities were endless. And to have the full run of Howie’s impressive California mansion to myself? Unbelievable. What would you do with this much leverage over the cosmos? I know what I would do.
Basically, I would force Howie Mandel to make and promote Tik Tok videos, featuring my wondrous and limitless comedic talents and writing. You think America’s got talent? Wait til you get a load of me?! America would be laughing itself to pieces hearing my jokes, and my irreverent comedic concepts, delivered exclusively through the wit and charm of the one and only Howie Mandel! Priceless! I am a genius! Destined to be a star of the celebrity kidnapper community!
What went wrong? Well, clearly my comedic concepts are too high brow for the likes of American audiences. I should have known no one would get my satirical mocking of Tik Tok crafting nonsense during the pandemic. Clearly, no one understood my subtle references to clown shoes or how easy it is to confuse numbers with letters. Gah! I should have known better than to make Howie wear a lifeguard sweatshirt too. As if anyone would be able to grasp the connection of lifeguards to Baywatch and Michael Hasselhoff. It was too complex for American simpletons. Let’s face it. Trump became president for a reason. I should have just made Howie bend over and fart into glasses of lemonade. That would have been a huge success.
So, my plan has been foiled. People put together a list of coincidental clues and hints placed by Howie, (he is a genius after all, how did I think I could outsmart such a man), and now the conspiracy theory community has people driving by Howie’s mansion every little bit, staring into the windows with binoculars. I’ve been caught! Red handed!
So, here’s what happens next, smarty pants detectives: America will submit to my list of demands, or else. What will I do? I will make Howie Mandel release more Tik Tok videos, only this time, they will be videos promoting the Donald Trump re-election campaign. Surely, America doesn’t want that to happen. If Howie Mandel, the greatest comedian who ever lived, with the ratings clout of America’s Got Talent behind him, started promoting Donald Trump, there’s no way he wouldn’t get re-elected. That would surely spell the end of America!
On top of that, I will have Howie publicly convert and become a member of both Antifa and Black Lives Matter and Islam and The Proud Boys. The amount of cognitive dissonance these displays of allegiance would cause in the populace would erupt in pure chaos. America can’t handle this level of disorder! Democracy would be poised to collapse in a heartbeat of violence and upheaval! Prepare to be decimated, plebes!
There is a way to avoid this however! Every American must immediately buy my poetry books! Also, every American must immediately follow me on Twitter and Facebook! Go listen to my songs on Soundcloud! I demand to be more famous that Katie Perry by the end of the workday, or else I release the full wrath and fury of the comedic powers of the one and only Howie Mandel!
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!