Member-only story
SATIRE
I Kidnapped Howie Mandel
Here is a list of my demands
Well, I thought I could keep my master plan a secret for at least a few weeks, but it turns out the conspiracy theory sleuths of the online community, using clues subversively planted by my clever captive, were just too smart for me. You got me, folks. I accept defeat. This week, I kidnapped Howie Mandel.
The architecture of my dream, was simple. I would lure Howie Mandel out of his mansion by pretending to be his biggest fan, showing up on his doorstep with a hoard of memorabilia in a black plastic bag. My collection of Howie goods includes various rubber gloves bought on E-bay from reputable sellers that I was told he had actually blown up and worn on his head on various comedy tours, a Little Monsters plush doll of Maurice, and a VHS copy of Walk Like a Man. This is in addition to my extensive assemblage of flash drives containing every episode of America’s Got Talent in varying quality downloads. Obviously all celebrities are raving narcissists, so there’s no way he could resist this chance to be doted upon by clearly his number one fan on planet Earth, right?
Turns out, I was right! Wow, imagine my shock and surprise, when this plan worked to an astonishing degree of effectiveness! Here I was, standing less than two feet from Howie Mandel, notable germaphobe…
