SATIRE

How to Have Safe Sex With a Demon

Dost thou wish to live deliciously? Before you answer, have you ever been to a petting zoo, and found yourself wanting to strike up conversation with the goats? As if, maybe the goats have this whole life thing figured out? Ask yourself this then: have goats ever paid taxes? And why are they so horny?

Well, if you’ve paid attention to the news recently, you may have heard some strange stories from a viral video featuring a doctor who apparently got her phD at the school of Santeria. In the video, Dr. Stella Immanuel alleges that sex with demons is the cause of many physical illnesses that humans acquire, and that these demons seek to steal sperm from men. Who knows why, maybe so they can make more clones of Donald Trump.

“They turn into a woman and then they sleep with the man and collect his sperm, then they turn into the man and they sleep with a man and deposit the sperm and reproduce more of themselves.” — Stella Immanuel

Here’s the problem: Dr. Immanuel talks about sex with demons like it’s a bad thing. It’s not. In fact, I’m here to tell you that sex with demons is the absolute best kind of sex. You’ve never had your world truly rocked until you’ve had your prostate sucked out of your urethra, roasted over a fiery pit, and then reinserted via your rectum by a pitchfork. Yowza. Sex with demons is AWESOME. You just have to know how to do it safely. It’s a good thing I’m here to educate you on this subject. Just follow my step-by-step guide, and before you know it, you too can be having mind-blowing sex with the hounds of hell, without risking any of your precious semen for their godawful experiments.

First: you have to recognize the signs that a demon is attempting to court you. Have you been in Wal-mart recently, when suddenly the song “Photograph” by Nickelback came on the radio? Did you find yourself singing along? Did you wish to be naked, rubbing pictures of Chad Kroeger all over your body? And did you suddenly wake up from a trance, and find yourself at an Arby’s drive-thru, with no idea of how you got there? Congratulations. These are just some of the many signs that hell has an interest in you.

If you have not found yourself the target of such affections, fear not, you can seek out a tryst with a spawn of the devil on your own. This is easier than one might think. You just have to draw a circle on the floor of your bedroom with salt that has been purchased at the Circle K. Be sure there are no gaps in the circle. Once the circle has been drawn, place within it a single Orange flavored Starburst while listening to the song “tubthumping” by Chumbawamba. Your demon will be along shortly, so be prepared.

Whether you have been sought out, or you chose to pursue a demon out of your own curiosity, it’s almost time for you to give the devil his due. When the demon appears, there will be no time for pleasantries or small talk. A demon is not interested in hearing about your day, about the barista at Starbucks who misspelled your name, or about the way your dog farted strangely in the key of the theme song from Friends. No, a demon will appear horny as hell. And it will need to get right to business.

DO NOT CONJURE A DEMON UNLESS YOU ARE 100% READY TO CONSUMMATE THE RELATIONSHIP.

This is where the safe sex part comes in to play. Demons are not like people. You can’t just wear a condom or use your standard diaphragm. You can’t just rely on a demon to want to pull out early, or ask if the demon would prefer to try butt stuff. No, the safety of demon sex lies solely on the person who lured such a Mephistopheles kin into their bed chamber.

There are three key ways to practice safe sex with a demon.

  1. Hide a magic 8-ball under your bed. Before you place it there, you must ask it the same question over and over, until the answer it gives you is “it is certain.” The question you must ask is, “Was Jeffrey Epstein murdered?”
  2. Find a practicing witch. This is easier than you think. At the nearest Starbucks, when standing in line, pretend to sneeze. The first person to hand you a napkin from their purse while also mentioning they know how to craft an origami goose, is a witch. Now, you must convince the witch to follow you to the restroom. Ask them to urinate on your face. If this makes you uncomfortable, just pretend to be a jellyfish.
  3. This will be the most difficult way to have safe demonic sex, so I saved it for last. You have to somehow locate an entire bottle of hydroxychloroquine. Hydroxychloroquine may not be a viable treatment for covid-19, but when it comes to demon sex, it just fucking works. Crush the pills up into a fine powder. You can do this with either a rolling pin or an extra large dildo. For men, blot the powder generously all over the crotch and rectal areas. Whatever is left, snort it like a line of pixie dust. For women, dilute the powder into a saline solution and then douche with it while humming the song “Photograph.” Then, do some yoga.

Once you have done this, you will never go back. The demons will appreciate your attention to detail. They may even want to lick your taint. You have no choice at this point but to comply. But here also, I must issue a warning. If a demon asks you to call him Donald, it’s possible that you accidentally went to a Trump Rally instead of a Starbucks. Beware this scenario. A demon will never ask you to sign an NDA, or offer to pay for an abortion.

All right, you now know how to safely copulate with demons. I wish you the best, and remember: the road to hell is paved with telemarketers.

Meme, 2020

Provocative truth teller, author of 14 poetry collections. Cat dad. Dog dad. Currently working from Portland, Oregon. Learn more at: Jaysizemore.com.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store