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SATIRE
How to Have Safe Sex With a Demon
A step-by-step guide
Dost thou wish to live deliciously? Before you answer, have you ever been to a petting zoo, and found yourself wanting to strike up conversation with the goats? As if, maybe the goats have this whole life thing figured out? Ask yourself this then: have goats ever paid taxes? And why are they so horny?
Well, if you’ve paid attention to the news recently, you may have heard some strange stories from a viral video featuring a doctor who apparently got her phD at the school of Santeria. In the video, Dr. Stella Immanuel alleges that sex with demons is the cause of many physical illnesses that humans acquire, and that these demons seek to steal sperm from men. Who knows why, maybe so they can make more clones of Donald Trump.
“They turn into a woman and then they sleep with the man and collect his sperm, then they turn into the man and they sleep with a man and deposit the sperm and reproduce more of themselves.” — Stella Immanuel
Here’s the problem: Dr. Immanuel talks about sex with demons like it’s a bad thing. It’s not. In fact, I’m here to tell you that sex with demons is the absolute best kind of sex. You’ve never had your world truly rocked until you’ve had your prostate sucked out of your urethra, roasted over a fiery pit, and then…
