How to Have Safe Sex With a Demon

A step-by-step guide

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Photo by Максим Власенко on Unsplash
  1. Find a practicing witch. This is easier than you think. At the nearest Starbucks, when standing in line, pretend to sneeze. The first person to hand you a napkin from their purse while also mentioning they know how to craft an origami goose, is a witch. Now, you must convince the witch to follow you to the restroom. Ask them to urinate on your face. If this makes you uncomfortable, just pretend to be a jellyfish.
  2. This will be the most difficult way to have safe demonic sex, so I saved it for last. You have to somehow locate an entire bottle of hydroxychloroquine. Hydroxychloroquine may not be a viable treatment for covid-19, but when it comes to demon sex, it just fucking works. Crush the pills up into a fine powder. You can do this with either a rolling pin or an extra large dildo. For men, blot the powder generously all over the crotch and rectal areas. Whatever is left, snort it like a line of pixie dust. For women, dilute the powder into a saline solution and then douche with it while humming the song “Photograph.” Then, do some yoga.
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Meme, 2020

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Provocative truth teller, author of 14 poetry collections. Cat dad. Dog dad. Currently working from Portland, Oregon. Learn more at:

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