How I Made a Million Dollars on Medium

And how you can too with your writing

Doctor Evil meme

Making money on Medium is easy. It’s so easy in fact, everyone is doing it. How do I know everyone is doing it? Because every time I log into Medium I am told about it by a multitude of articles bragging about how easy it is to do.

I’m told this daily by virtually a million people on the platform. It’s like every third article on the site wants to share their secret money making tip that made them an overnight success. But, I’ve got them all beat. I’ve cracked the code.

I officially made a million dollars just from writing content on Medium last month. Don’t believe me? Too bad. It happened. Here’s how.

I read every single “How to make money” article on Medium that exists. It took me a while, but to save time I simply stopped eating and sleeping. To get over this hurdle, I emptied my bank account to buy a large quantity of pure cocaine. I didn’t need that money because I was about to be rich. I opened my nasal pathways like the Holland Tunnel, baby. All in the name of art. I don’t have pupils any more. I have the eyes of a shark. Because I am a shark. A money shark.

I copied and pasted every money making article I found on Medium into a single Word doc on my computer. Then I printed that Word doc. It was over a million pages. But I needed those pages for the next step.

I shredded all the pages. It filled my house with shredded paper. For a while I was lost in it like a white cloud that felt like the weirdest acid trip, or maybe just a bad day of brain fog after a bender. But I persevered.

The shredded paper was used to make a paste of papier mache. I molded this papier mache into the sexiest version of myself imaginable. And then I had sex with it. It was awesome. I love myself, and so I loved myself. If you want to make a million dollars, you must love yourself more than you love veganism, or having a body devoid of paper cuts.

This papier mache clone didn’t take up much of the million pages worth of paste. There was a ton left over. But that was okay. I then made a host of papier mache people to sit in my house and applaud my every decision. They didn’t REALLY applaud me of course. I only heard that applause in my…