Hooray! Covid Is Officially Over!
How to celebrate the end of the pandemic
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Today is a day to celebrate and rejoice. It’s a day that will long be remembered. In the not-so-distant future, this day will probably be marked on everyone’s calendar as a national holiday, probably with paid time off and a host of fireworks and fizzy drinks with wildly unimaginative puns for names.
In case you somehow missed it, THE PANDEMIC IS OVER.
All the mask mandates and CDC recommendations for social distancing have officially been lifted! WE’RE FREE! WE’RE FINALLY FREE!
The past two years of isolation and panic, of anxiety and worry, will soon seem like a distant hallucination. A fugue state. A mass delusion.
What were we all so worried about again? Catching a cold? Going a few days without being able to smell our dogs silent but deadly farts wafting out from beneath the blankets? Oh my.
Pshaw.
Sure. A few people died. And right now World War 3 is just getting started. But, folks, I’m not letting that get in my way. It’s time to celebrate! I’ve got two years worth of restrained exhibitionism and social butterfly induced narcissistic disorder to strut around. All these urges that I’ve kept trapped inside like spring-loaded Jack-in-the-box toys just been pinging against a taped-shut lid, are ready to leap out!
First thing I’m going to do, is go get a full-back tattoo. A life-sized portrait of Joe Biden. Why? Because his keen leadership ushered us safely through the mess! Without him, we would have never made it out alive. Thanks to Joe, we have successfully managed to get vaccines to the people, readily available testing, and we have completely fixed the economy. Way to go, Joe!
As for me, I’m fully vaxxed and boosted, so I know covid will just bounce off my immune system like a horny bird off a plate glass window trying to mate with its own reflection, if it ever shows its ugly face again. That’s why I have no hesitancy about putting myself into crowded rooms and rubbing elbows or shoulders with the unwashed masses.
I say, to prove we are no longer negotiating with the terrorist-like demands of the virus, we all go to the nearest bar immediately, and everyone take…
