Actual Transcript Excerpts from Donald Trump’s 4th of July Speech

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My fellow Americans,

The Declaration of Independence was originally written on the same sheet of paper as Thomas Jefferson's hamburger recipe cause he was mad at John Adams for inventing the hot dog. If Betsy Ross hadn't told Thomas about mustard seeds and tomatoes? Who knows. Chaos.

Oh boy, and what would've happened, where would America be today if Rambo hadn't shouted from his helicopter across the land "the red coats are coming, the red coats are coming." They drew first blood. Not us. Rambo. True American hero.

And when George Washington was crossing the Delaware, do you know what was playing on his ipod? Not London Calling, I can tell you that. No, it was Born in the USA of course. That American classic by the Boss. You don't hire the boss, the boss hires you.

One of my favorite things about fireworks is that they were invented by Ben Franklin. Legend has it fireworks were how George Washington kept his wooden teeth clean. Only thing that worked! Made em sparkle. Like you wouldn't believe.

And at the end of the Revolutionary War, the Coca-Cola company finally admitted they made a mistake and got rid of New Coke. Nothing but classic Coke for Americans!

And Francis Scott Key saw the rockets and the red glare, and he wrote Sweet Home Alabama all those years ago before he had the idea for the Star Wars theme.

And who can forget when Hawkeye, Last of the Mohicans, rescued Alexander Graham Bell from the evil British, who wanted to steal his prize invention for themselves! Just before the Continental Army used it for the first time to call their mommas and say Happy 4th!

We all know that if Thomas Jefferson hadn't invented the AK-47 the Continental Army would've never defeated Harry Potter at the battle of Helm's Deep. But thank God he did, with special thanks to Jesus for turning water into Mountain Dew.

And of course the Continental Army used the flux capacitor to get Marty's DeLorean back to 1985 after they linked their bayonets into a lightning rod.

Thank you, and may God bless McDonald’s.

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Provocative truth teller, author of 14 poetry collections. Cat dad. Dog dad. Currently working from Portland, Oregon. Learn more at:

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